The League of Exhausted Genitals


The Satuday Team beat Nailsea 3rds by 5 wickets. The full scorecard is here.

Now, last season when the Cowboys Saturday Team (a.k.a. The League of Exhausted Genitals) played Bath at Windford on a hot day, it went like this: the foe batted first, their openers got off to a good start, then the batting collapsed and they were all out for a low target, the Cowboys wobbled in the chase until Kahlu biffed a few 6s and we won. So this season our first match a Winford went in much the same fashion. Of course the forces of verbosity will not allow the write up to finish here…

According to the Kinsey report
ev’ry average man you know
much prefers to play his favorite sport
when the temperature is low
but when the thermometer goes way up
and the weather is sizzling hot
Mister Adam for his madam is not
cause it’s too too
it’s too darn hot, it’s too darn hot
It’s too too too too darn hot

Cole Porter would have been right too, but in fact is was not too hot because there was a very pleasant wind blowing and it was the perfect summer’s day that all cricketers have been waiting for these 10 years past.

However, as well as the balmy zephyr there was also an ill wind blowing: after last week’s grounding during pre-flight checks, Garnier (a.k.a. The Methane Tornado) had this week passed muster and been given clearance by the Flight Controller. He arrived at the ground equipped with a 20 litre box of beer that, once the cardboard outer was removed, resembled an out-sized colostomy bag. He looked surprise that no one else had brought any beer and became depressed at the thought of having to share. He was told to remember the parable of the ‘five loaves and two fishes’ to which he grumpily replied: “You’re not having my fucking pre-match snake as well you bastards”. He then hurriedly scoffed 5 whole Hovis and 2 John Dory.

On inspection the pitch was hard, bald and dangerous cracks were clearly visible, a bit like… (insert one’s own vulgar vagina joke here). Hugh, the Windford goundsman, apologised for the baldness but said that the grass roots had been eaten by Leather Jackets. A quick google will soon reveal that in fact ‘leatherbacks’ have nothing to do with a feral bunch of ruminant bikers that descend on cricket pitches for an evening of debauched and inappropriate grazing but refers to a type of beetle larvae.

The foe won the toss and with a man missing decided to bat. As soon as you see the ground at Windford you will realise that there are only two types of bowler that can play there: those that bowl up the hill and those that bowl down the hill. So, RobT1 (a.k.a. The Brokeback Kid) was designated as an up-hill bowler and Budge (a.k.a. Tour de France) as a down-hill bowler. The wicket looked a little tricky to bat on but the foe’s openers easily trundled along at 4 an over. Gibbo (a.k.a Captain Dementia) decided, in his finite wisdom, to make a change and summoned forth The Methane Tornado. With The Tornado finding some swing he soon blew a few of their batsmen back to the pavilion.

The next change had TT (a.k.a. Mother Nature) coming down the hill were he found a sweet spot that soon brought him wickets, delicately clipping the bails off time and again. The Tornado finished with 4 for 14 and Mother Nature finished with 4 for 15.

Taking over from the Tornado Überpops (a.k.a. Überpops) plugged away up the hill, with what Mrs Überpops describes as ‘his awkward length’, until he in turn was replaced by Kahlu (a.k.a. The Bluderbuss). With the foe’s tail trying to fight a rear guard action the batsman look at The Bluderbuss’ first ball before swiping at the second, which turned and bowled him. As it turned out Captain Dementia’s best decision of the day was perhaps to forget to give Kahlu a bowl until right at the end so that the foe did not see how receptive to spin the pitch was.

And so the foes’s innings gave a consumptive cough and died. They were all out (9 wickets) for 86 in the 33rd over. This was followed by a leisurely tea which revealed that Captain Dementia had: a) forgotten to make the sandwiches, b) forgotten to switch the tea ern on and c) forgotten the milk.

There are some heretics that say that cricket was invented by French shepherds.  There are others that say that a few baguettes and a lump of cheese constitutes an English cricket tea. It’s all gone a bit French, and no good will come of it.

Hugh had told us that there are a couple of pheasants living in the small wood next to the ground and while The Cowboys were fielding a female pheasant went for a stroll around the boundary. Having read Danny Champion of The World several of the team are suggesting that raisons laced with some of the teams’ abundant ibuprofen be scattered in the wood and thus there will be game pie for tea. However, after chasing a boundary into the wood The Methane Tornado remerged not only with the ball but also suspicious feathers around his mouth, so the rest of the team may be too late.

In the last match of last season Grove (a.k.a. Major Neurosis) got a duck, in the first of this season he also got a duck (known as a ‘King Pair’) and so in this match he was on an inglorious hat-trick (known as ‘The Sultan’s Threesome’). Neuro and Preece (a.k.a . Ben 9 – “He’s tiny creepy fast and strong he’s every shape and size”) strode manfully to the crease, Neuro got off the mark and then got over excited and was soon out LBW. Captain Dementia strode out and quickly strode back (he was fined for doing a David Bellamy impression while batting) and Iggy (a.k.a. Nervous 90) ran himself out taking a second run on an overthrow which some claim had actually gone for four. Ben 9 for a while looked good but then, having survived an LBW appeal the ball before, bounced one off his pads into the stumps.

And so dear reader the Cowboys had wobbled but the foe’s opening bowlers had finished their overs. Enter The Blunderbuss! Having strode like a prize fighter to the crease and realising that simply hitting the tree that grows inside the boundary is four runs he set the controls to ‘sand wedge’ and chipped ball after ball into the tree. The young bowler (coming down the hill) looked disgruntled but there was worse to come. Finding everything too easy The Blunderbuss reset the controls to ‘Turbo Biff’ and smashed the kid’s next over back up the hill for 20 runs (3 fours and a 6), it was rounded off with an ironic defensive shot that send the crowd wild.

The up-hill bowler at this point was a young leg spinner. Had the foe’s captain seen more of The Blunderbuss’ bowling he would have brought this kid on earlier because he can , as he proved, turn it a long way. The Blunderbuss did not seem to enjoy a dose of his own bowling medicine and was out, caught behind, chasing a leg-side wide that nipped back a bit. But by this point it was all but done and Gretch (a.k.a. Rubber Rock) and Mother Nature brought The Cowboys home with ease in the 23rd over.

As The League of Exhausted Genitals relaxed in the evening sunshine coifing The Methane Tornado’s Bag-O’-Ale, the man himself won Man Of The Match for getting four wickets for one less run than Mother Nature took to get his four. The Blunderbuss won the Cider Moment for his explosive batting.

One Comment

  1. A verbose classic, thanks Mum.

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